i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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