Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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