Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
