I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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