i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
