i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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