also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
