I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
