I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
