I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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