Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
