Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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