mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
