i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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