i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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