my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
