i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can I color on your dick again?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
