Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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