I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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