This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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