Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
