sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There r osticjed everywhere
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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