btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
