I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
