I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Randomize
