Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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