a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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