Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
