Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
