Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
