You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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