There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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