i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
