Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
