Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
