apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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