Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
