It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize