Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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