My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
