I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
