I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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