Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
