yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
