is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
