Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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