I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
