glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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