I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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