Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
