I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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