The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
