Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
