just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
